On It Goes
by MidgardianFangirl
Summary: The battle between Amara and Lucifer is over, this deems the beginning of Castiel's war with Lucifer. Castiel loses. He dies, sacrificing himself yet again for his Humanity. But Chucks back and luckily Cas gets another chance. What will he choose to do with his life from now?
1. Chapter 1

Dean and Sam watched on helplessly as their friend fought a losing battle with the Devil. The Brothers watched on, injured and helpless as Castiel's vessel crumbled before their eyes. They swore they could hear the cracking of ribs and other bones as the two Angels fought for control over Jimmy Novak's body.

 _Amara, the Darkness had fallen dead and defeated before the Devil victorious had rounded on the Winchesters. The battle had taken place in a clearing, a few miles away from the nearest road. The Winchesters drove as close as they could to ground zero, a huddling of trees lining the field halted them, they had to take the rest of the journey on foot. It was a warmer day than most for this time of the year, but the shine that covered the human's skins was more out of fear and agitation than from the humid air._

The battle between Lucifer and Amara had seemingly made the earth stand still, and Sam couldn't recall feeling a single fresh breeze blow through the trees since she fell to the ground.

 _When Lucifer had rounded on the Winchesters, he had been talking to himself or more likely, Cas. Before he acknowledged them. Castiel had done something 'bad' and Lucifer muttered about it as he left Amara's body on the ground rounding to them, a cruel slick grin on Cas's usually kind and gentle face._

The brothers had been standing and watching from a few meters from where they were currently hiding within and behind the crumbled remnants of an old cabin. The wooden walls would do little to protect them from anything, let alone the Devil but Dean was wounded too, and he could only drag his little brother so far.

 _Castiel's punishment for his transgression was to be, having to watch his only two companions, be slain by his very own hands. First Sam, then Dean, part of the torture for him was to watch Dean being broken watching Sam die. Lucifer wanted Cas to know that even if he did manage to take control, his hunter would never forgive him after that. Dean had tried to step in but found himself flung into one of the few remaining walls of the crumbled cabin. When he woke, Sam was screaming angrily at Lucifer yet promising Cas that he forgave him, while Lucifer broke the bones of one leg before starting on the second._

 _Dean blinked away the pain and grogginess of his previous unconscious state and had tried to move through the pain. Lucifer turned to him as he stumbled to stand but something else joined the party. Sam was suddenly distracted by the pain in awe of the bright white light that was shooting down from the sky above encircling Amara's body._

 _Lucifer tilted his head, assessing the situation, his movement reminded Dean and Sam of what Castiel did when he was confused or bewildered. "Daddy's home." He said twitching his eyebrows at Sam before turning his back and walking towards the light. However, it withdrew before he reached it taking Amara with it. Lucifer wasn't impressed._

 _Dean had taken that moment to drag Sam behind the half-broken wall of the cabin. They could still both see the situation unfolding but as Dean fell to the floor gripping his chest and his suspected broken ribs, besides Sam, who was positioning his broken and bloody limbs there was little they could do to help their friend._

" _Dean" Sam had whispered urgently, "You're bleeding."_

 _Dean lifted his arm to assess the damage to the injured he sustained while landing on a pile of wooden floorboards, a deep gash from almost his hip to his armpit._

" _M' fine Sammy." Dean had said with a shake of his head watching Cas and Lucifer though a hole in the wall. He let Sam start to remove the splinters of wood from bleeding skin despite his protest._

Before Lucifer could turn back to the Winchesters, even more, infuriated than before, the shared vessel began to shake; blood began dripping down his body, where it originated they didn't know. His shoulders and knees were straightening and cracking in ways that wouldn't hold a human up, but yet the Vessel remained standing.

The brothers had become all too accustomed to the difference between voices used by Castiel and the Devil. Every time in the past two months since they discovered the intruder, every time Castiel regained control his deep raspy voice had washed over them both like a wave of relief compared to when they heard the most natural tone of voice leave the same lips when Lucifer had won over again. Unfortunately, it also made it clear to them both, that the cries of pain that were leaving the mouth of the vessel were Castiel's and not the Devils. Lucifer had questioned them about how long they thought Cas could hold out, how much his already weakened vessel could bare. The memory had Dean crawling to his feet; he didn't know what he was going to do, but he had to do _something_.

A pained whine, one that made the onlookers cringe broke through the air, followed by another horrible cry as blood began soaking into the white dress shirt that Lucifer had remained in after ditching Cas's trench coat.

"CAS!" Dean cried out before Sam grabbed his arm and tugged him desperately, trying with all his remaining strength to pull Dean back to the limited safely. Dean remained standing; he couldn't walk away, not from this, not from Cas.

Deans cry had captured attention, whether it was that of the Angels or the Devil, Dean didn't know yet. The man turned slowly; Dean was scared at who would greet him. His face was splattered with blood, a line of it dripped from his hairline and down his face.

It took Dean several precious seconds to recognize to one who turned to him. _Cas._

Castiel looked, even in this state, _so different_ from Lucifer that Dean doubted, if they even survived this battle, that he would ever forgive himself for not noticing the second they walked out of Hell. It was probably Dean's heart-broken and drained mind, but he was different from the way Lucifer carried himself in every way, from the way he stood even in his injured state, to the way Castiel's eyes shone. The blue eyes sparkled when Cas was feeling any and all emotions, emotions he learnt from humanity, but Dean's favourite was when the Angel smiled. A proper smile, gums and all, those were Dean's favourites. It hit him like a ton of bricks that unless some miracle happened, he would never see Cas smiling again, he would never see _Cas again._

It wasn't like in the movies, every moment of their time together, good or bad, didn't flash through his mind, although, only staring at Cas's eyes for their limited time Dean did feel almost relief washing over him. Then he realised, _Castiel was healing them_. He looked down at Sam, who was watching Cas shaking his head in disbelief, "No Cas, save your strength" Sam pleaded weakly, but it was done. It happened in what seemed like an instant, but the sensation of his flesh moulding back together and bones reforming was something that still unnerved them.

Suddenly there was a piercing scream, Dean and Sam covered their ears in pain; the thin wooden walls shook around them. Another scream, it hurt them physically less this time, as if their ears were adjusting to the angelic cries. Then Jimmy Novak or Castiel or Lucifer, Dean and Sam didn't know anymore, but the vessel fell to the ground in a heap, and there it stayed.

"CASTIEL!" Dean screamed, but Sam jumped to his feet just as Dean had and used his larger body to halt his brother physically. "Cas!" Dean yelled, but Sam pulled him down until they both landed on the ground.

"Dean! No!" Sam yelled, "Look!" Sam said pushing Dean to look over the crumbling wood.

A murky dirty yellow smoke of grace was rising from the fallen body, the grace of the Devil.

Mere seconds later a second grace rose following its brother. Castiel. It wasn't any longer the blindingly pure blue-white light that it once was, and it was evident, even in the way the grace glided through the air, that he was weak.

Despite how obviously this simple action affected him, Castiel rose, facing his brother. The two angels, the two brothers began circling like two boxers in a ring before a battle.

The Winchesters stood up, the shock of the sight before them instinctively making them both take a few steps back blindly.

A surprised too loud cry from Sam as he stepped on a crumbled panel of floorboard breaking through the small drop to the ground below, caught the attention of Lucifer. It wasn't one of pain, just surprise, Sam tugged his foot back up desperately as the boys prepared to run, where, they didn't yet know.

They would never make it to the Impala, and Dean doubted he would have the strength to drive away and leave Castiel here, alone to die at the hands of his own brother. There wasn't much Dean could do for Cas, but he felt, at least, he could make sure his best friend didn't die alone.

The Angels stopped their circling, the sight of the angels became clearer to the humans the longer they remained in one place. They could now see that Castiel is still a remarkable figure, but his form represented the shape of a man much more than Lucifer's did. Despite their differences, both the angels had soft shadows of wings, Lucifer more so than Cas. Cas's looked burnt and broken with missing feathers in many spots. What had once been a screeching sound coming from both Angels was now becoming clearer and clearer as words to the Humans. It was still hard to listen to, and only certain words would be coherent to the brothers ears.

They heard the words 'brother,' and 'humans' repeated, the latter spoke with almost disbelief as if Lucifer still questioned with whom Castiel's loyalties lied.

Then, after a few seconds of calm, the Angels met in the middle, cries of war rang through the silence as they fought in their mid-air battlefield. Clashes of a body on another, yelps of pain, anguish, and as Castiel fell again, taunts to Castiel from Lucifer regarding the painful ways that the Devil was going to torture the Winchesters after Castiel was dead, specifically what he was going to do to Dean.

The almost human shape his grace was now taking made it easier to see the way the Angel pushed himself up as he approached the other angel who was laughing mirthlessly his back to his brother now approaching where the Winchesters sit.

Before he got much further, Castiel launched himself from behind and enveloped Lucifer's murky grace within his. Seconds past, the cries grew louder and most desperate to the point that Dean had to cover his ears trying to deafen himself to cries he knew belonged to Castiel.

"Dean, we need to move," Sam said grabbing him again and trying to tug him.

Dean didn't reply, he stayed stock still, his hands covering his ears, his eyes pinned to the battling Angels.

"Dean look up! Look at the sky! We need to move, now!" Sam said desperately, and Dean finally looked away from the battle and was greeted by an all too familiar sight.

The clouds above the battling angels were circling, the clouds ripe with pure power and grace. The preparation for a smiting.

Dean's shock lapse as he processed what was happening allowed Sam to lead him to run away, they got to the cover of the trees before Dean stopped and turned back. He couldn't leave.

"Dean c'mon!" Sam begged but Dean couldn't.

"I can't leave him here Sam, not alone, not if he's gonna die. He's doing it for us." Dean spoke while turning, his words dying in his throat as he turned to see the light above the Angels.

Lucifer, still confined within Castiel but flaws were appearing in the angels grace, holes which showed the sick contents of the twisted Arch-Angel.

Suddenly a thunderous boom cracked through the air, and it was almost a fireball that remained in the angels places. Embers of the explosion of grace rained down upon Jimmy's body.

"CAS!" Dean screamed, but Sam grabbed him around the waist and held Dean back.

As the white-light withdrew again, Dean hit and kick at any of Sam that he could reach, when he finally broke free, he ran towards the body of his best friend.


	2. Chapter 2

Dean shouted his name as he ran towards the body of his best friend. He shouted at the sky in anguish, but when he reached the body, Dean silenced himself falling to his knees by the body.

Dean buried his face into the other man's chest, the dirt and blood splattered over the white dress shirt Lucifer kept them in, was no matter to Dean.

"You son of a bitch Cas, dammit." He swore his words muffled by the fabric as he kept tight hold of his body.

"Bring him back!" Dean snarled releasing Cas and looking up at the sky where the clouds had been circling. "BRING HIM BACK RIGHT NOW!" Dean begged, and he looked down at Castiel.

The explosion had littered debris of grace on the ground below burning blisters on Cas's body, and little holes had burned through his clothes to the skin below.

"Cas wake up" Dean begged his voice raw, he shook Cas's body desperately until Sam knelt beside him and tried to pull him away.

"He's not in there anymore; Cas is gone, Dean," Sam said trying to be calm and reason with his brother.

Dean ignored Sam's words, and the hands trying to pull him away, he just kept holding Cas. It wasn't meant to be like this, why. The damn angel always put himself last. He healed them; he should have kept his energy, his strength.

"Dean," Sam spoke trying again, but Dean shrugged him off.

"Shut up Sammy, just stop," Dean grunted before he stood up and he paced back and forth a few times before dropping back to his knees to stop Sam from taking Cas's pulse.

The longer they stayed here, the worse the sickness grew in Dean's stomach. It was soon clear that the illness wasn't just the result of losing Cas, and it wasn't long until Sam voiced his issue.

"I feel ill Dean, the longer we stay-" Sam had said after watching Dean pace intently.

"It's from the smiting; I guess when Cas healed us it would have protected us from the initial blast but only so much. I mean, he can't even heal smiting sickness, so we're lucky." Dean explained using his finger to wipe a droplet of blood away from Cas's eye. "We should probably leave the area." He added but made no effort to move.

"Bunker?" Sam asked with a sigh. It wasn't a sign of exasperation or annoyance but rather a cry of helplessness. Sam knew there was nothing he could do for Cas, and Dean wouldn't be okay until Cas was okay. The two people he loved most in the world were suffering, and he couldn't help them.

Dean replied he mirrored his brother's spoken word adding a curt nod. "Bunker."

A few more moments passed, Dean looked on the verge of tears, and Sam felt empty at the sight.

"Bring the car as close as you can okay?" Dean said reaching into his pants pocket to pull out the keys and holding them out for Sam.

Sam stared at Dean, and then to the keys dangling from his hand.

'I'm not leaving him here Sam." Dean said looking down at the body again. He cleared his throat and repeated himself, "Go and get the car. I'll bring Cas." he said as he wiped another drop of blood away.

Sam finally noded and took the keys before he rose to his feet. He walked away, looking back he saw Dean spit a mouthful of bile onto the grass away from Cas. Dean then began positioning himself to lift Cas into his arms.

"You want me to get him? You get the car?" Sam asked watching Dean drop to his knees again looking broken.

"No Sam, go." Dean replied, "I'll catch up." He promised waving Sam away, before coughing and spitting again.

Sam nodded, obeying his brother's directions to go on, he walked on looking back he was a good few yards away from Dean now, but he was still there crouched over Cas's broken body.

Sam debated turning back to help his brother, but as he watched the way his brother's shoulders were shaking made it clear, this was a private moment. Dean was sobbing violently clutching to Cas; Sam walked on; he almost felt like he was intruding. It was Sam now who was fighting back tears before they fell as he walked, it wasn't a sign of weakness, but he needed to be strong for Dean, Cas would have wanted him to be.

He tried to job a few yards but quickly stopped as it only made his stomach worse. The next time Sam looked back, Dean was following behind him with Cas in his arms.

It wasn't a long walk, a little over 500 yards, by average it should only take about 5 minutes for a healthy person to walk that distance. The Winchesters, they were healed from their grave injuries, yes, but the effects of the smiting sickness and the extra weight of his dead best friend in his arms, Dean and Sam's journeys took closer to 10 to 15 minutes.

Sam did manage to run the few feet through the trees and then the half mile through long grass to where the Impala was parked; Dean was catching up to him quickly because Sam had been lagging. He did pay for his spurt of energy he sat against the Impala, light-headed and he spent almost a whole minute hacking up a liver.

He regained himself, and moved the Impala as close as he could to the trees he had passed through, there was no clearing to get any closer, they'd have to carry Cas over the rocky terrain.

Sams spurt of energy was because that time he looked back, checking on his brother and their angel, Dean looked close to collapsing himself. With an end in sight, perhaps Dean might be more willing to accept help.

No such luck.

"I've got him, Sam," Dean muttered walking on, brushing off his brother's attempt to help.

"Dean, it's alright, I can help," Sam argued walking ahead of his brother, lifting Cas's dangling hand and tucking it over his chest. Sam's argument fell on deaf ears. They could see the Impala through the trees now, the shining black metal gleaming against the long brown grass. Sam and Dean stepped carefully, Dean stumbled on roots and rock, as they weaved through the smattering of trees and Sam raised his arms to catch both Dean and Castiel every time he did.

"The Impalas just there, I'll take him, Dean, it's okay." Sam tried again when he saw the pure relief on Dean's face at the sight of his car. His expression changed to a scowl, and he only grunted in reply to Sam.

Ten feet from the Impala Dean started to sway, and Sam did his best to support him, but Dean shook his head weakly in protest.

"Dean, He's my friend too. Let me help." Sam told him quietly, with a hand on his brother's shoulder.

Dean stared at him; he looked mentally and physically exhausted, but Sam knew that he wasn't going to hand Cas over.

"Nearly there." Dean muttered breathlessly, "Just get the door Sam." he told him nodding towards the car. Sam sighed but obeyed his brother's request. They worked together laying Cas on the back seat of the Impala and almost slid him in. Sam tried to cover the upholstery with a blanket as he pulled Cas into the car but Dean leant over, grabbed it and tossed it aside in a huff as it only hindered their efforts. Finally, they got the Angels body into what Dean deemed a comfortable position and Sam did his best to shut the door by Cas's feet gently.

The next time Sam looked around, Dean had slumped against the car, the back door still open. Sam crossed to him in alarm, but Dean calmed him.

"M' okay Sam, just-" Dean stopped taking deep breaths, "Just-" he sighed again, and Sam nodded.

"You want me to drive? Even just for a little-" Sam was surprised to see his brother nod.

Sam sat in the driver's seat waiting, his eyes flicked to the rearview mirror as Dean stood up, only for his brother to bend down to Cas's head; Sam looked away; he was whispering something to Cas, but Dean couldn't hear him. Sam looked over to Dean again when he stood up; his eyes were wet again, and blood from Cas's face was on his now. Dean pulled off two layers of bloodstained clothes leaving him in only a tee; he wiped his face on the dirty clothes before getting in the car himself.

Sam and Dean sat silently, this wasn't how they wanted their reunion with Cas to go, they had longed to have Cas back, have him back in the car, but not like this. They barely even imagined this; they never thought it would be under these circumstances, not Cas sacrificing himself, not again. Dean wrapped an arm around himself, his hand covering this scar on his right shoulder, Cas's handprint.

"Dean!" Sam yelled his voice ripe with terror as he flicked on the engine quickly, Dean looked in surprise, Sams cry pulling him out of a daydream.

Sam was already maneuvering the Impala through the grass and onto the dirt road when Dean finally looked behind them to see what had struck fear into his brother.

The clouds were circling again, and who knew what heaven would do when their Angel wasn't where they left him? Three beams of light shot down in a row side by side.

"Uh, Sam?" Dean asked, his already raw voice full of worry at the sight.

"Yeah I saw." Sam said drawing his eyes away from the rearview mirror and back to the road pressing his foot down a little harder. "We'll stop somewhere soon, I'll get us some drinks, and you get the stuff from the boot to make hex bags."

"I've got stuff for Angel hex bags in here." Dean told Sam, and he opened the glove box pulling out a leather pouch. Dean pulled out individually wrapped parcels each ready to be bound in leather to ward off Angels. Each one had two bones from a chicken's foot, a temporarily cotton wool covered unbroken spiders egg, and several baggies are holding equal parts lavender, hemp, and goofer dust. Enough ingredients for about seven hex bags.

"You came prepared huh?" Sam commented watching as Dean pulled a satchel from under the seat of sheets of cloth and leather binding robe.

"I figured we'd need them in case we got Cas back without kicking Lucifers ass." Dean admitted in a mellow voice as he began to craft a bag.

Sam nodded but remained silent. He watched the rear view mirror every few moments, checking for any sign that they were being watched. Dean saw him and stuck his head out the window, checking the skies for any aerial threat.

Nothing.

Everything was oddly calm considering two maybe three acts of God happened less than two hours ago.

They would both be lying if they said the peace was soothing, it wasn't. Eerie was a better word for it.

It was a little over an hour into their 3-hour journey from ground-zero to the Bunker before they started to feel relief from the smiting sickness.

"We are lucky Cas healed us actually; without him not only would I have two broken legs but it would have been so worse when we were actually on the spot they got smited. I mean-"

"Without Cas we'd be long dead, he's done so much more than we've ever given him credit for." Dean snapped cutting off his brother's words. He didn't want to talk about this, not about all the things they should have done differently. "We should have said thank-you occasionally. I should have told him."

"Dean, don't beat yourself up, you're right we could have both been a bit more vocal, it's not your fault." Sam said, trying to reason with Dean.

Dean slumped back against the car seat in a huff, banging his head on the headrest. "He thought we wouldn't care." He said looking over his shoulder at Cas sadly, "Thought we wouldn't care if we lost him." Dean added before clearing his throat and looking out the window turning away from Sam's gaze.

"That's if Lucifer was telling the truth, we don't know that he was." Sam said trying to convince them both of his words. "He is the Devil after all."

"Do you think he was lying?" Dean asked sadness coating his voice and Sam didn't reply. "The Devils a dick but he was always honest about his brothers. He might have been in Cas's head, we don't know, but he knew a lot Sam, and he was bloody convincing.

Dean said remembering the painful memory of times that Lucifer had lectured them on their mistreatment of his little brother. Lucifer had known he hit a nerve, particularly with Dean, and was sure to go over the fact that Castiel gave up everything for them repeatedly. "We both know he had truth to what he was saying, as much as we don't want to admit it." Dean said his voice tired in more ways than one. Dean remembered the painful memory of times that Lucifer had lectured them on their mistreatment of his little brother. Lucifer had known he hit a nerve, particularly with Dean, and was sure to go over the fact that Castiel gave up everything for them repeatedly.

Sam nodded to himself they drove in silence for almost another hour before Sam finally took notice of the remaining aching nausea in his tummy and pulled over at a rest stop store for a few bottles of cold water and something to fill their stomachs.

"Dean? You want something to eat or drink?" Sam asked his brother breaking the silence, already intending to buy him his share regardless.

"I don't think I can eat."

"You've got stop beating yourself up Dean."

"He's not even been dead for 2 hours, and you want me to get over it?" Dean asked staring at his brother with a dirty look.

It was the same fight, this time, though, Sam took another route.

"Not over it, Dean, look I know you were closer to him, but it doesn't mean I don't care. Cas was probably my best friend too after you, but until we get back to the bunker, we don't know if there is anything we can do."

"You never- half the time you hated him, why change now that he's dead?" Dean asked bitterly tossing him a hex bag for protection at him. Sam sat with his door open one leg out ready to leave the car, how he had been when he asked Dean the question.

"Dean," Sam started, choosing his words carefully, "Cas had his issues, he always had good intentions sure but he-"

"Just get your food, Sam." Dean spat beginning to make another hex bag with shaking hands.

"C'mon Dean, you can't hold that against me, you-"

"Go and get your damn food, Sam." Dean snapped loudly cutting off his brother's words. "Don't think for one moment that I've forgotten any of the times that he has betrayed us or kept secrets or let us down, because I haven't. Have you forgotten that Cas's more than made up for those times in my books. How many times has he healed us or saved us or broken rank for us? I mean what have we ever done for him? We made him fall; we never said thank-you, I fucking kicked him out when he was homeless and human..." Dean trailed off taking a gasping breath, tears falling from his eyes again and he resumed looking out the window.

"You loved him didn't you?" Sam asked knowingly after a minute of Dean taking deep breaths trying to regain his composure. Sam had only seen Dean like this a few times; the last two were finding Charlie's body and the Doctors not updating them enough on Bobby's state.

Dean didn't acknowledge his brother's words for many more moments then he nodded in a tiny movement that, if Sam hadn't been watching him waiting for a reply, he would have missed.

"You ever tell him?" Sam asked not sounding very surprised after the confession.

"No," Dean mumbled out finally looking over at his brother.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Sam asked watching him with soft eyes.

"How exactly would you tell me if you were gay for Cas?" Dean asked with false comedy in his voice.

"Dean, I've known you liked men since Louis," Sam said in a low voice.

"What?"

"I used to 'fall asleep' early so that you could go outside or into the other room with him," Sam explained emphasising his words.

"Oh," Dean said looking genuinely surprised.

"I also remember Dad, and you running away to Bobby's house, not seeing you for almost three months," Sam told him, his voice growing thick in his throat as he got lost in thought. Sam didn't remember much of the night, but he knew his Father well enough to stitch together memories of what his Father would have said and done to Dean after catching him with the other boy before Bobby had interrupted the quarrel and practically ripped John off his son.

Dean was quiet after Sam's confession, his mind replaying his memories of the first boy he had ever kissed, his first real friend since their mother died, the first friend he had his age in the nearly twelve years since his Dad had started hunting. Dean remembered the difference between his first kiss with him and his first kiss with a girl, the inner turmoil any kid in the mid-nineties when they were trying to figure out why they felt attraction towards both genders. Dean remembered the anger in his father's voice; it had been seething with disgust. He remembered telling the other boy to run, and he remembered the first impact of his father's blow. Dean remembered Bobby pulling his father away and telling him to sit in the car, but instead Dean ran; the boy couldn't bear to listen to John's words about him, about how John feared Dean would spread his germs to little Sammy. Bobby had picked him up a few miles down the road ten minutes later and quietly told him to ignore his Papa. When they got back to Bobby's house, he had received a rough hug, and Dean murmured a 'thank you' to Uncle Bobby before the older hunter had told him to go to bed.

"I'll get some food and drink, then we'll make do with what we've got at the bunker when we get there," Sam spoke up, pulling Dean from the painful memories, speaking as he opened the door again and made his way to the rest stop. Sam had made sure to park inconspicuously to prevent drawing attention to themselves or the body in their back seat. The sun was beginning to set now, and they were feeling slightly more comfortable on their journey despite the ominous figures they witnessed.

Dean watched Sam go; he entered the store before he looked away and found himself staring over his shoulder at Cas again. With a sigh and a deep breath he knitted his hands together in his lap, he cleared his throat and shut his eyes.

"Here goes nothing."


	3. Chapter 3

' _Dear Lord, it's Dean. I don't know if you're up there, or you've even got your ears on but I would rather think you've gone home than to think any of the Angels up there have enough power to do the things we've witnessed today. I hope you have Amara locked up or that she is indeed finished because we are sick of her. But as for Cas, the one you smited when you took out Lucifer? Cas deserves better._

 _All the other Angels say Cas came off the production line wrong, but I don't believe that. Cas was the only one of those winged dicks you made right. He's screwed up and made mistakes; you don't have to tell me, I know, but he always tried to help. All he ever did was try to help._

 _You wanted the to look after humanity right? Caring isn't a flaw, to the other Angels, they call it his weakness, that's bullshit. Cas healed us even with his limited strength. He must have known you were just reloading or whatever, he sacrificed himself for us, for humanity. That's not fair God; it's not fair._

 _Castiel is a good warrior; he is a good Angel, and he's an even better friend. If there is anything you can do, if you even care, or if you're even listening, please help him, please give us a sign. Anything.'_

Dean looked around and saw Sam walking back to the car bags in hand.

"Cas, Cas deserves better," he said, repeating his earlier sentiments, he decided to wrap up; he could try again later. " _Please._ Amen."

After Sam had taken his seat, he tossed Dean a cold bottle of water which Dean drank gratefully not realising how thirsty he was. Sam then opened a bag of potato chips and positioned it between them.

"We've both done a lot of hurling so that we could do with some salt in our system," Sam said answering Deans questioning expression. "You got those bags done yet? I was watching the news there have been a few omens around the state which are worrying, the sooner we get home, the better."

Dean took a chip and chewed thoughtfully before Sam continued.

"Power outages, some minor things like that, but there was also this church that fell, it had a corrupt history, no one got injured but-"

"Sam I can't work a case right now. I just want to go home; then I'll figure out a way to save Cas." Dean said holding the bottle of water in his hands as he spoke, not meeting his brother's eyes. "Unless it's Lucifer or Amara, or fucking God himself, I don't care. I can't care right now. I don't have the energy."

"Yep," Sam said quickly, "I'll keep an eye on it and we'll get Garth and some people to look into it if need be." he nodded, "How are you about Amara now anyway? You feel anything?"

"You know that thing Crowley said about my bond with Amara? Only something else just as intense could extinguish it? I think-" Dean sighed, "I think Cas dying or being smited, I think that was it."

"Oh, so nothing?"

"Nothing," Dean said looking off into the distance as Sam started the car and began to drive. "I felt this overwhelming numbness when Lucifer killed her, but then, when Cas turned around, and it was _actually_ Cas, I felt something. Then he died, and I was running and I just- I felt numb again, but this isn't the same. This feels numb, but it feels like it physically hurts at the same time. It's not some bond; it's grief."

"You keep touching your scar," Sam commented nodding towards where Dean's hand had absentmindedly been stroking his upper shoulder.

"I feel" Dean paused, "I feel closer to him I guess? I don't know. You know I never even asked him about it? I mean, you don't have a scar, and he always used it in his profound bond argument."

The rest of the journey was spent predominantly in silence. Dean hummed along to the radio until he realised how much Angels feature in classic rock and he turned it off to stare out the window in silence instead.

They both almost smiled as they saw the entrance to the bunker garage ahead of them. Dean let out a sigh of relief and Sam barked out a laugh. It sure was good to be home.

With more difficulty than expected, they managed to pull Cas from the back seat and Sam didn't even try to object to Dean taking the full weight again instead he assisted by shutting the car door and opening the door to the hallway so Dean could take Cas to his bedroom.

As Sam opened the door, he was greeted by an unfamiliar sound. The bunker was silent at the best of times when they were there, and they hadn't been here for nearly three weeks, so why could he hear voices talking?

"Hurry up Sam, he's not exactly light you know?" Dean grunted behind Sam waiting for him to move.

"Do you hear that?" Sam asked ignoring his brother's words and withdrawing his gun. They listened in silence, the beating of their hearts thumping in their chest the only sounds. The talking changed to faint the sounds of an opening tune of a pop song, and the boys relaxed. Just the radio. Phew. They must have left it on; they had left in the hurry when they tracked down Castiel.

Sam tucked his gun away and led the way to Castiel's bedroom. Well, Dean called it Castiel's bedroom but he only actually used it to watch Netflix and for napping when his grace was recovering. The boys only noticed the homely touches he added to it after Dean laid him on the bed.

All the rooms in the bunker, including Cas's, had the same basic furniture, but Cas had pushed the bed against the wall, added another desk (from an empty room) to house his TV (a yard sale pick up from Sam). His laptop (another gift from Sam, so that Cas could do research for them and they could still take Sam's on the case with them was on the other desk with a lamp, a photo of Cas and Charlie had been taped to the wall above it.

"I never looked at these after she took them." Sam murmured drawing Dean's attention from the image of Cas and Charlie and to the pile, he just picked up from the nightstand.

Dean followed his eyes; the first was a photo of the four of them smiling goofily at the camera, Charlie had an arm wrapped around Sam and Dean was beside her pulling Cas close. The next photo was just Cas and Dean; Cas was smiling in the direction of the camera, but he had probably been looking at Charlie. It was the kind of smile that made his eyes crinkle, his eyes shone and made him smile so wide his gums showed. Charlie had captured the moment of Castiel being genuinely amused by something Dean had said. Dean doesn't remember what it was that he had said, but he knows that when Cas is around, and they have any break from the crap that is their life, he does everything he can to make his Angel smile. That's probably why Dean sees himself gazing at Cas with a sappy-ass grin on his face as if he had hung the damn moon.

Dean looked away from the photos before his eyes moistened again, he looked at a pile of books on the ground in the corner. He can vaguely remember Cas asking him if he wanted to go to a flea market so that Cas could search for a bookshelf to house the several books Cas had bought from a car boot sale that he had passed. Dean, being Dean had said no, it only just occurred to Dean that maybe the reason Cas hadn't gone alone was because he had had no money of his own.

"He didn't use this room the last few months, that should have been a clue," Sam mumbled tidying up the photographs and laying them back in their place. "Sorry Cas," Sam said frowning before patting his arm gently.

Dean had a list of reasons why they, mainly he, should have known it wasn't Cas but he stayed quiet taking deep breaths instead inspecting a tiny beehive that sat atop his chest of drawers. It was made from felted wool and looked like it was supposed to be a necklace, but Cas had just stood the tiny charm on the edge of a book about bees holding it upright.

"Cas still has a thing about bee's-" Dean started, but both the brothers froze as they heard a beeping from somewhere within the bunker.

They both pulled out their guns on instinct and Sam walked carefully to the door and opened it silently, Dean was more hesitant to leave Cas. He watched Sam enter the hallway and although he was holding his gun his hand had moved down to hold Castiel's muddy black shoe, how that was meant to protect his friend Dean didn't know. It was also instinct; he didn't like leaving Cas's side any more than he liked seeing Cas leave his. However as more sounds cluttered though the bunker, Dean followed his brother shutting the bedroom door behind him, soon finding him standing in the hall of the kitchen with his gun lowered.

Dean approached from behind sneaking up on whoever or whatever Sam was staring at; he stood behind the wall before turning around and facing the intruder gun aimed and ready.

" _Gabriel_?"

* * *

"Gabriel?" Dean asked in shock as he turned the corner coming face to face with the all too familiar Arch-Angel.

The Archangel's hair was shorter and neater than the last time the Brothers had seen him. He wore a clean cut well-tailored three pieces matte black suit. The apron he wore over his suit matched the oven mitts and were printed with large red and white peppermints over them with the words "Want A Taste?" in comical letters.

"Heya Deano, Hey Sammy, glad you could join me, the cookies are nearly ready!" Gabriel smiled, "Blue chew!" He added with a grin and with a flick of his hand two barstools appeared at the table opposite him.

"What are you doing here?" Sam asked in shock staring from a stool to the Angel.

"I've come to fetch my Little Brother," Gabriel said untying his apron after placing the hot tray of fresh cookies on the bench.

"Like hell," Dean spoke in a tone close to a growl and Gabriel turned to him his eyebrows raised in feigned surprise.

"Excuse me?" Gabriel asked looking at Dean.

"You ain't taking Cas anywhere," Dean said taking a step towards the angel but Sams withdrawn arm halted him.

"Gabriel, we-" Sam started saying in an attempt to reason with the Angel, but Gabriel cut him off.

"You are _not_ taking Castiel," Dean said again, this time, pushing Sam's arm aside.

"I am his brother Dean, surely you trust-" Gabriel was saying before he was cut off by Dean again.

"Well I'm his-" Dean faltered, "We're his family."

"Family," Gabriel said, repeating the word, "Family?"

Dean and Sam stared at him, and he waved his hand vanishing the numerous dirty mixing bowls and utensils around him before turning back to them with an angry smile.

" _Family_?" He repeated again, his voice seething. "Neither of you noticed, it took Lucifer literally telling your brother how he was going to kill him before he clued in. Then, of course, Cas overpowered Luci enough to stop him from carrying out his plans. Great show fellas."

"What about you then? Where have you been?" Dean snapped.

"I was out of the picture okay Deano? Even if I was around, let's not pretend my little brother would prefer my company over yours." Gabriel pointed out as the oven sounded again and Gabriel turned excitedly before opening the oven door and removing a tray of cookies.

Dean only glared at Gabriel silently watching as the Angel took a bite.

"Want one?" He asked winking at Dean, who continued to glare.

"Well," a smooth accented voice cut through the tension with a sharp knife. "This look's interesting."

The Winchesters both turned as Balthazar walked in wearing a suit identical to Gabriel's in every aspect but the colour. Balthazar's was in a dark shade of charcoal grey.

"Balthazar" Sam stated, staring at the man, it had been a long day.

"Oh, you remember me! How sweet." Balthazar smiled cheekily before striding past both the brothers and towards Gabriel. "Oh and Gabe's made biscuits! Delightful."

"What are you guys doing here?" Sam asked, "How did you find us? We're warded, and we've got hex bags."

"Oh yes, you sure do, but we were here already when you pulled up so they were rendered useless, plus they don't work on Dad."

"What do you want with Cas?" Dean asked ignoring the current conversation.

"Look, Dean, we just want his vessel, Cas needs to heal, and it'll be easier if he has his true vessel, we _could_ find him another, but that one displays his puppy eyes well." Balthazar shrugged his shoulders explaining the predicament.

"Plus we know Dean likes that one," Gabriel added with a wink to Dean with another mouthful of cookie.

"Why do you need his vessel? I don't understand?" Sam asked looking between the two Angels.

"Once we've done our brotherly duties of mending him up, then he'll be free to do as he likes."

"What?" Dean asked shaking his head.

"Oh, did Gabe not mention that Castiel is alive?" Balthazar asked before turning to Gabriel. "You had one job, Gabe. Reassure the Winchesters that he was okay before they did something stupid. We knew it was bad when he started praying for Dad." Balthazar nodded in Dean's direction.

Sam looked over at Dean in surprise, but Dean avoided his eyes.

"He was being difficult." Gabriel shrugged starting on another cookie.

"Someone tell me what is happening!" Dean yelled interrupting the bickering.

"Castiel is alive. He's not in the best way, but Dad worked on him himself, so he's doing better already. We need his vessel for him to be fully formed again. Lucifer is in prison; Dad is also dealing with him too. Amara has been well and truly destroyed this time. We made sure of it." Gabriel explained, the sincerity pouring from his voice and calming Dean.

Dean nodded.

"Dad?" Sam asked, "God?"

"Yeah, God." Balthazar said no hint of humour in his voice, "He's with Castiel's vessel now as we speak" he added barely finishing his sentence before Dean ran out of the kitchen and back to Castiel's bedroom.

He kicked open the door gun on hand to find none other than a familiar jumpy author sitting by Cas's bed.

"Chuck?" Dean asked not lowering his weapon until he got closer to Castiel himself.

"Hello, Dean," Chuck said his eyes glancing down at the gun in Dean's hands before he lowered it.

Chuck Shurley. Chuck... Shurley. Chuck wore a pure white ensemble of a suit similar but different to the two Angels. He wore no tie, and his clothes were less formal and almost casual.

"What are you doing to Cas?" Dean asked as Sam turned the corner through the doorway.

"I was waiting for you since my sons are doing such an excellent job at explaining it," He told Dean sounding exasperated as the two angels came into view. Bless Chuck, they actually looked chastised. "If I had more time to offer you it would be okay but I don't," Chuck explained moving to the armchair by the desk motioning for Dean to sit on the bed.

"You're God?" Dean asked in shock as it finally started to sink in. "You?"

"Well, you did pray for me, Dean," Chuck said with a small smile playing on his lips.

Dean found himself looking at Cas's body at his mention of prayer. "I didn't imagine you when I was doing that,"

"Who were you imagining?" Chuck asked the smile on his face growing wider forming a kind smirk.

"I don't know, Morgan Freeman?"

Chuck barked out a laugh, "Dean, Sam; Castiel is healing, you clearly saw enough to at least gauge that he isn't in a fit state at the moment, not even my power can cure him instantly. Being an angel is about faith. Now, my part here is to heal his vessel and then return to Heaven. Castiel will be free to do as he pleases once more when he has regained his strength and has already expressed his intention of returning to your sides."

"He was unconscious at the time, though, but we're sure he still feels the same way now he's awake," Gabriel added with a shrug.

"You're God." Dean and Sam said in unison after several moments of silence on their behalves staring at Chuck in disbelief.

"Have you always been or is this a new thing like when Cas wanted to be God?" Dean asked.

"Yes." Chuck murmured, "I have always been, I had a memory lapse you could say, made a life for myself as Chuck Shurley, the vessel then- well I don't really have the time to explain the whole story, Gadreel can only do so much to Castiel in my absence."

"What?"

"Gadreel, I believe you met him. He is with Castiel now, healing and soothing him. His wings are badly burnt, worse than they were even when he pulled you from perdition, and now they won't recover as quickly due to his non-commitment." Chuck said rising to stand from his seat on the armchair.

"Yeah, we remember Gadreel, he killed your prophet," Sam muttered as Dean nodded.

Chuck looked solemn, "I know, but I have forgiven him, Kevin has forgiven him. He made some mistakes but-"

"How are you so forgiving? I mean I love Castiel but damn, he let Lucifer out of his cage! He let the devil out and set him loose on the world!" Dean said exasperated, "He's done a lot of bad-"

"He did that for you Ass-butt," Gabriel growled so low the lights dimmed slightly in the room, "Lucifer barely caused anything like the damage he is capable of, Castiel does everything he does for you. He has his reasons but 99% of the time, it's because of you Dean Winchester, you don't get to talk about my little brother like that."

Dean was slightly taken aback at the reaction from the arch-angel.

"Castiel is my Son, he is one of the few of my children, the Angels, who stayed loyal to me. Every time he needed guidance he would pray for me, regardless of my lack of response. He was overcome with power and the Leviathans yes, but given time I believe he would have been a fair and loving ruler."

"I can make you a list of-"

"Dean, why is it behind his back your love for him knows no bounds, but in front of him, even his broken, empty body, you find issues with things that I know you have long since forgiven him for?" Chuck asked, "Dean, Castiel is my son, I am his father, I love all my children, yes, all of them. I always will, that is how a father or any parent should be." Chuck said. "I taught my children to love Humanity; Castiel is one of the few who truly does."

"Humanity thy name is Dean Winchester," Gabriel stated before pulling another biscuit from his pocket. Balthazar chuckled, and the brothers grinned at each other before high-fiving their hands.

"Boys please" Chuck sighed, "Anyway, I must be off!"

"Uh before you go, those omens, I saw them on the news, was that you guys or something we should be on the lookout for?" Sam asked, "Most of it sounds pretty accurate for God walking the Earth again, but just to make sure..."

"Yes, that was us." Balthazar nodded, "When we come we come in style."

Chuck watched his son with a bemused expression before speaking himself. "Dean, Sam, if you would like to come to visit Castiel while he heals I will send Gabriel down to fetch you and bring you to heaven. I will have to ask Castiel if he'll take visitors but even if he denies you entry to his Heaven you can visit Charlie and Kevin and Bobby, anyone you like."

Chuck noticed the fall in the brothers faces at the mention of their names.

"Do not fear, Kevin is happy, he is continuing the Winchester gospel under the spell of a fandom-successful fanfiction, and when he isn't writing he is battling Charlie at computer games. Bobby took them both under his wing after Kevin sought him out to tell him about how the two of you turned out."

"Why won't Cas want to see us?" Dean asked confused, the concern ripe in his tired voice.

"Castiel is healing, it is, a delicate process," Chuck explained choosing his words carefully. "Castiel is questioning his place in the world and while he is such a place of confusion his grace is also confused. It won't settle within him; it won't allow him to heal at the normal angelic rate." Chuck paused before clapping his hands together loudly pulling Dean's gaze from Gabriel and Balthazar, who he noticed looked solemn at God's words.

"All will be well, in the end, no doubt." He smiled before standing over Castiel's body and raising his hand above the broken body.

A bright white light that had both of the Winchesters shielding their eyes with their hands shone from Chuck's hand and over Castiel. When the light faded, and their eyes opened, Castiel lay in a charcoal grey suit, identical to Balthazar's.

"You like dressing your boys up like a boyband hey?" Dean asked with a chuckle trying to defuse some of the tension in the room, but he and Sam were alone, the God Squad had vanished.


	4. Chapter 4

"Cas is alive," Dean said, walking back into the kitchen. He had spent a few moments with Cas's body just letting the fact that he was alive sink in.

Sam looked over and nodded with a smile to his brother, "Yes."

"And... Chuck is God." Dean added.

"Yup."

"Right."

Sam nodded, "It might take a while for us to get used to this." Sam agreed, "You know these cookies are incredible."

"He might have laced them, he seems to like you," Dean muttered leaving the room.

"Hey you have your angel, let me have mine!"

Dean and Sam waited impatiently for Gabriel to return as promised and when he did arrive, Dean found he suddenly became extremely nervous. Looking back, Dean wouldn't be able to tell you much about the actual trip there, whereas Sam would explain in detail the _feeling_ of the journey. Being zapped someplace by an Angel felt very odd, like being dizzy on a speed train, moving incredibly fast but more as if the world were spinning to suit where you wanted to go. However, being zapped into heaven felt like Willy Wonka's glass elevator that swayed slightly with each flap of wings but moved just as fast as the other.

Sam would tell of the beautiful pristine hallway they walked though as Gabriel led them to the Angels heavens.

Dean could only tell you about the details in the ornate carvings in the black onyx door with a glowing Enochian plaque on it.

Gabriel had been giving explanations of certain things as he walked them around, enjoying his self-proclaimed role of 'tour guide'.

"The colour of the doors are different here for the angels because with the humans, all their doors are white because Dad considers all Mortals in Heaven pure," Gabriel explained watching Dean's inspection of the door.

"This door is Castiel's?" Sam asked looking around at the hall, the doors here were a vast range of colours whereas Cas' was pure black.

"Sure is, Cas is in there." Gabriel smiled, "Dad's meeting us here, so we'll just wait."

"Why is it black? Because of Lucifer?" Sam asked Gabriel quietly looking around the hallway.

"Oh no, Cassy's wings are black." Gabriel explained with a shrug, "The kid got bullied for it a bit as a fledgling."

"All the angels wings we've seen were black," Dean stated, "Why was he bullied?"

"Any wing's you've seen on Earth, were only shadows, so they would all look dark but Castiel's are black, they always have been. He used to hope they'd turn white or silver but they didn't, they just seemed to get darker." Gabriel explained, "Cas was bullied a lot, he was smaller than the other angels in his generation, petty stuff like that, you know how siblings can be. Cas worked and worked and showed everyone how wrong they were, he became the leader of his garrison, he lead his team to the Righteous Man in Hell! That was a big deal. But it's also where things turned-"

"To crap for him? Yeah, thanks." Dean grunted and Gabriel stared at him.

"But he would never change anything Dean. Except maybe his transgressions again you or your brother. I've been talking to him, he doesn't regret everything he's learnt or experienced since meeting you."

There were a few moments of silence before Sam cleared his throat and asked Gabriel a question. "What colour are your wings?"

"Caramel gold," Gabriel said winking at Sam before flexing his back and letting his wings unfurl. Six golden feathered appendages emerged from his back, they shined in the well-lit hallway, not a single feather out of place.

"Awesome!" Sam blurted out, "And you've got the six because you're an archangel right?"

"Yup!" Gabriel grinned, "Glad you like them."

Dean rolled his eyes and spotted Chuck strolling down the hallway wearing the same suit as before but his hair was a bit less tamed.

"Can I see Cas now?" He asked as Chuck approached them.

"Dean and Sam, how lovely of you to join us!" Chuck greeted them kindly, smiling at Dean's request. "Dean, Castiel doesn't know you're here yet, Gabriel didn't get a chance to mention it. Castiel has a lot on his mind at the moment, please be patient with him, he is undergoing some change."

Dean nodded, swallowing down the nervous bubble that had settled in his chest. The fact that Castiel was inside was just occurring to Dean. He was actually going _in there,_ to Cas, where he could stare and touch him to his heart's content. Okay so maybe not exactly but it's been a long time since he actually saw Cas and he's working off his emotionally addled brain for memories and coherent thoughts right now.

Gabriel opened the door for him politely, giving him an odd stare before Dean found his legs moving on their own accord. Gabriel clapped him on the back and shut the door behind him while Dean took in the sight before him in shock.

It was _beautiful._ His eyes scanned the scenery, it was the most beautiful garden Dean had ever seen. It was neither landscaped nor manicured, rather it was wild and overgrown but it made it only made it all the more beautiful. He turned to see the door hadn't disappeared but rather moulded into the side of a familiar looking brick building.

It was what looked like the outskirts of a forest, and Dean noticed there was a lightly tread path leading through the trees. The sight that greeted him was the best of all. A huge tree had fallen: around it grew wildflowers, blossoming through the overgrown grass, and on the log, with his back and _beautiful_ wings to Dean sat Castiel. He could feel himself smiling like a fool but he didn't care, why should he?

After a few moments of just staring at the Angel's back, Dean cleared his throat announcing his presence.

A shiver of shock ran through his wings and he turned about in shock, almost losing his balance before Dean rushed forward to steady him.

"Dean," Castiel started, surprised; he opened and shut his mouth again as if to say something but remained silent until Dean spoke. Dean was so relieved to hear his voice that he almost forgot what he was doing there.

"Heya Cas," Dean smiled, taking in the sight of his best friend standing before him again.

"What are you doing here?" Castiel asked, his face suddenly full of concern.

Dean was taken aback and he pulled a face. "And here I was maybe hoping for a hug or something."

"Gabriel said you were okay." Cas whispered, his voice low and scared, "I suppose you could just be a part of my heaven, it would be appropriate." he added looking back to Dean with a content smile. "You would like a hug?" Cas asked tilting his head in confusion and Dean wanted to kiss him.

"Yeah, I would," Dean said, and when Cas stood up, he felt himself relax the moment he wrapped him up in his arms. "I am okay Buddy, Sam is with Gabriel now, he's good too. You saved us again and you'll never understand how much I appreciate it. You'll never understand just how good it is to see you Cas." He squeezed him tighter and felt Cas finally return the gesture. Dean felt something tickling his ear and looked around to see Cas's wings hovering around them but not entirely encasing Dean as if unsure. "Your wings are _awesome_ , by the way, Cas," Dean added and felt both, Cas relax into his embrace and the wings wrap around him.

When he pulled away, Cas still looked upset.

"I'm glad you're alive Dean, you and Sam." he spoke answering the questioning expression on Dean's face.

Dean continued watching him, waiting but Cas didn't continue. "You know you look pretty good for a guy who just got smited."

Cas stayed silent as he looked down at himself as if assessing his form.

"Nice suit, you look very handsome," Dean added without thinking but didn't regret it as he watched a pink flush rise up Cas's neck. "Your dad zapped you into this, how the hell is your tie still wonky?" Dean asked exasperatedly nudging Cas's chin upwards so Dean could fix the garment.

Cas didn't reply, he just stared at Dean, watching him.

"Can I touch them?" Dean asked tentatively wanting to fill the silence after Cas still remained silent. "Your wings?" Dean added as Castiel looked at him curiously.

He looked surprised but he nodded, "Yes."

"You still honing your communication strategy Cas? What's up? Why are you so quiet." Dean had asked, before he raised his hand making contact with some of the feathers. A shudder ran through the wings but Cas nodded for him to continue.

"You're still my charge, we're bonded, things just make it more sensitive," Castiel explained, Dean frowned, but nodded.

"As long as you're cool with it," Dean said and Castiel bowed his head, nodding again.

"You know, the few hours before Gabriel brought us up here but after we met your dad I've been thinking, you should hang out with us more. You've got your room at the bunker and I know you don't eat but we did make you almost drunk once right? We could go on a bender, that would be fun." Dean was rambling, this wasn't the careful conversation he had mentally planned.

"You still want me?" Castiel asked his voice faint and he sounded like he was hurting. Whether mentally or physically, Dean didn't know.

"Of course we do, you're a Winchester. We should have told you more often, we just aren't one of those families who talk about stuff, but we can be- hell, we should be. It would save a lot of problems." Dean laughed dryly and changed wings.

"Would I still be welcome in your home if I were human?" Cas asked, and he flexed his wings slightly as Dean moved.

"Course, but dude if I'm honest, you've never looked more angelic- Cas what's that?" Dean asks spotting a large patch of burnt feathers on the lower part of each wing, close to Cas's back.

Cas drew in his wings close to his back again, covering it from Deans view, so the human walked around the wings to face Cas.

"It's an old injury, nothing to worry about." Castiel murmured looking at Dean with a small but forced smile.

"Not the way to make me not worry Cas," Dean said furrowing his brows staring down at Cas.

"It doesn't hurt anymore and there is no damage to my flight it doesn't really matter does it?"

"Why don't you wanna tell me? Was it Lucifer?"

Cas shook his head quickly. "Hellfire," he said plainly and Dean took a seat on the log.

"So you did that, pulling me out?" Dean asked and he groaned, "It's my fault."

" _No._ " Cas growled, "I would have died for you Dean, even then, before I knew you. I only knew you as the Righteous Man. I didn't know you as I do now, but even then I would have sacrificed myself for you."

"You almost did by the look of it." Dean muttered, "I don't want you to sacrifice yourself for me, Angel."

"Naomi told you I was lost the first time I laid a hand on you in Hell, didn't she?" Castiel asked and Dean nodded. "Dean, the truth was, I was lost the moment I saw your soul. I left my garrison, I broke rank - leaders aren't supposed to get their hands dirty, so to speak. Uriel used to say that we'd get the credit either way. However with you, I heard your cries for months - years, Dean; we took so long to find you and I will never forgive myself for that. Your screams echoed around Hell so painfully, even now I remember them." He stopped talking after his voice caught in his throat as he spoke and Dean could feel his body move as he took calming breaths that Dean was positive weren't necessary for the Angel.

"You wanna talk about the human thing you said or you want me to keep petting you?" Dean asked as he stood up and walked behind Cas to get better access to his wings again.

"There are things I wish to discuss with you, yes, but I am mainly waiting for you to yell at me," Castiel confessed spreading his wings wider in invitation.

"About what? That whole thing with Lucifer?" Dean barked out a raucous laugh but Castiel knew there was no humor in it.

"You expect me to be mad? Damn Cas, mad doesn't begin to describe it." Dean said and Cas' back and wings drooped slightly, so Dean continued. "Then I lost you again and all that went out the window, I don't care." Dean admitted, "You're alive, wings and all, and with me, I count that as a win." Dean smiled at him as Cas glanced back at him.

More time passed as Cas was almost being lulled to sleep by Dean's gentle movements. It was a shame that Castiel knew this couldn't last.

"What did you need to talk about Cas?" Dean asked again sitting down by Cas, but turning in towards the Angel so he could still access the feathery wing.

"You like my wings." Cas murmured as if he was shocked at the fact.

"Of course, I do, your wings are awesome Cas. The burnt bits, although it looks painful and I feel like shit about it, they still make you look rather badass."

"I don't want to be an Angel anymore." Cas blurted seconds after Dean had finished talking, his words rushed and almost blended together but Dean's answering expression made it clear they were understood.

"Okay," Dean replied after a pause, Chuck had told him to be patient. So he tried to be. "You told your Dad?"

He bowed his head, "Yes, my Father and my siblings have been surprisingly supportive."

"Surprisingly?" Dean asked and Cas shrugged.

"After all that I've done to Heaven and Earth. I guess _I_ shouldn't be surprised should I?"

"Cas, stop. They don't want to kick you out or anything you fool. I was amazed listening to Gabriel talk about you, he actually sounds like a decent brother, I have some respect for him now. Chuck, well he just put my Dad to shame which isn't hard, but he looks like the best Dad ever, if they support you it's cause they love you not because they want to get rid of you."

"Did Father tell you why I am not already fit to leave here?"

"He mentioned something about faith or whatever." Dean shrugged.

"Because I no longer wish to be an Angel my grace isn't attaching itself to my vessel, I cannot leave here as an Angel until I find my faith."

"But you don't want to be an Angel anymore?" Dean asked turning to sit, facing Cas and guiding him to do the same. "What would need to happen to become human now then?"

Cas looked up at him from where he had been watching Deans hands fiddling.

"I would have to fall." Cas said plainly, "It will be difficult as I'm not... _complete_ but I don't see myself finding my faith anymore, I love my Father but I am far too attached to the idea of being human again."

"So what's gotta happen?"

Would I-" Cas paused but Dean's hand in this wing again encouraged him, "Would I be welcome in your home, with you and your brother as a human?"

"Of course," Dean said, shrugging and playing with the smaller feathers close to his shoulder blades. "We've been through this already Cas."

"I didn't succeed very well last time as a human but I wish to try again," he confessed, voice quiet.

"Of course not, you cleaned toilets for a living Cas."

"I did more than that Dean I-" Cas pushed, trying to make Dean understand.

"Oh yeah, burritos too, I forgot."

Castiel stared at Dean but Dean didn't meet his eyes.

"How else was I to survive, Dean? I had nothing else." Cas spoke the hurt clear in his voice.

"You had me!" Dean said, then he looked away, looking down at his feet as he realized. Castiel hadn't had him. Dean had abandoned him when he was needed the most. "Right."

"Dean I was rather proud of myself, my-" Cas said trying again as he regained his composure.

"Poop duty?" Dean muttered and they both knew Dean was trying to defuse the situation, add humor at someones expense. A prime example of the Winchester way, but Cas still looked hurt.

"Dean I had nothing. You had Sam, he was dying, he needed you more than I did, I understand that. This isn't about you-" Cas said, anger seeping into his voice as he tried to reason with the other man.

"You had nothing and I sent you off with even less, and alone. I'm sorry about that buddy. It's not like I'm going to do that again! Is that what you think?"

Cas didn't reply, he only stared at Dean.

"I had reasons, Cas," Dean said desperately. This situation was far too raw for Dean's liking, he was bound to say something he'd regret.

Maybe that would be okay, though, perhaps it would fix things, make everything easier.

"I know Dean." Cas said, pulling Dean from his deliberation.

"Not a single one was because I wanted to! Cas I never want you to leave us, let alone have to kick you out myself." Dean promised him.

They stared at each other, Dean nearly got lost in the familiar gaze and the blue of Castiel's eyes but instead, he found courage.

"Cas," Dean said taking a deep breath and even going as to far to place a hand on Cas' own where it rested on the log. "Cas, I'm in-" Dean's words stopped dead in his throat as a rambunctious laugh sounded from somewhere unseen through the trees.

Sam and Gabriel came into view walking the same path as Dean had, and Sam stopped frozen as he took in the sight that presented itself to him. Dean assumed, from the look of panic on Sam's face, that he was beginning to gauge exactly what situation he was interrupting.

Dean pulled his hand away from Cas' after several moments of the newcomers both staring at their joined hands.

"Hey Castiel," Sam said after he shot Dean an exasperated look. Sam was relieved by the silence, because although he had been looking at their hands, he did notice that Cas had been staring at Dean. Castiel, the real Castiel Sam now noticed, stared at his dean with such warmth, such unrelenting love that whether platonic or not, Castiel had been looking at Dean as if he had hung the moon.

Dean meanwhile, now after having removed his hand from the Angels, his expression was one of a deer in the headlights.

"Sam," Castiel smiled fondly turning his attention to the other Winchester he stood up and Dean followed his lead though he turned away from the others gaze and seemed to be very interested in Castiel's wings.

There were several moments of them only smiling fondly at each other, before Sam strolled forwards, closing the space between him and Castiel as he wrapped his arms around the other man in a hug.

"Oh," Castiel gasped in surprise before returning the gesture.

"It's good to see you Cas, it's so good to have you back," Sam told him as he hugged the shorter man. Sam squeezed tighter gently, using the gesture to reaffirm his words.

Sam released him from the hug taking in his appearance with another smile.

"You look well Sam, I'm glad I had enough strength to heal you both."

"Yeah you and me both dude, thank you so much for that," Sam exclaimed sincerely.

Sam was like a bouncing puppy at the best of times but Castiel was genuinely glad to see Sam Winchester looking happy after months of pain. Lucifer, despite his claims of boredom over the Winchester, had still targeted him over Dean. That was an act of selfishness in a way as Castiel knew that Lucifer had known that he was simply closer to Dean and had the Devil been trying to hurt his brother, Dean would have been the primary target. That's not to say that Dean got off lightly, but he got the verbal attacks, although knowing Dean, Castiel doubted that he hurt any less than Sam. The words would have been mulled over in Dean's mind over and over until he drank himself into a stupor to forget them.

"I was just talking to Dean," Cas said to both Sam and Gabriel, "about my desires."

Sam looked surprised and almost taken aback.

"He doesn't want to be an angel anymore," Dean explained to Sam, deadpan, wiping the smug expression from his brother's face.

"Oh, right." Sam sounded surprised but nodded, listening to further explanation.

"I was wondering if I am still welcome in your home, and by your sides and if I would still be accepted as a human."

"Yeah, I mean Cas you're always welcome with us, as far as I'm concerned-" Sam started but Dean cut him off.

"Cas, we've been through this. I've told you were welcome with us. You didn't question it when I said I wanted you before did you?"

"As a human, I wouldn't be useful," Cas said so quietly Dean leant in to hear.

"Don't you dare Cas. _Don't you dare._ If you were just someone whom we use when you came in handy, then I never would have forgiven you for Crowley, the Leviathans, Sam's fucking mind. Or his _soul,_ Naomi, Metatron, hell I probably would have wanted your blood myself but I forgave you for all that because I love you. You are a part of our screwed up little family and I know we are shit at talking and conveying our love but that's the Winchester way Cas. We are not going to take you for granted again okay? Human or Angel."

Castiel stared at Dean.

"Castiel? That stuff Lucifer said, you didn't believe that did you? The stuff he said wasn't true was it?" Sam asked looking at Cas with a concerned expression.

Cas looked over at Sam with a pleading expression before he turned back to Dean.

"Dean I-"

Dean shook his head and Cas fell silent.

"You're my best friend, Cas, how could you think that we wouldn't rather have you than a seemingly easy fix to smite Lucifer? How could you even believe that we would consider?" Dean asked rounding on Cas, "I'll repeat myself here, you are a Winchester, and like it or not we don't let each other go easily, that works for you too Cas, it has for a long time now."

"Dean you say that but all I remember is you both telling me that I wasn't strong enough, to save my grace, to save my energy. That I was no help to you." Castiel spoke, anger seeping into his voice, "I had panic attacks at the idea of leaving the bunker, flashes of you beating me, me beating you, me hurting innocent people so I stayed in the once place I felt at ease, the home of the two people I feel safest with."

"Why not tell us?" Dean asked in a whisper.

" _I tried!_ " Cas shouted, almost sobbing, "You were busy with Sam and you didn't listen! Instead, you yelled at me over Metatron. Just like the time with Crowley, I went to you Dean, I watched you rake leaves. I couldn't bring myself to ruin your normal happy life, but _I tried_ , Dean!"

"You didn't think that maybe I wanted to see you? That maybe it was something I needed on par with having Sam back? That losing both of you broke me so much more?"

"I didn't want to hassle you. You seemed happy."

"You used to be able to read my mind Cas, if you read it, then happiness would not have been there. Read it now." He said as a challenge, glaring at the Angel.

"Dean," Cas spoke, almost begging.

"Just don't." Dean gritted out, "You're just an Angel, don't pretend to understand how this works Cas. I've said it before, Angels just aren't equipped to care, and they shouldn't bother trying." Dean spat angrily at Cas before storming away.

Cas watched him go, no emotion on his face.

"I'm ready Gabriel." he said after several moments of silence, he spoke before Sam could.

Sam looked over from where Dean walked away, seemingly back out of the Heaven and over to Gabriel in confusion.

Gabriel looked reluctant but he eventually nodded staring at Castiel. "Just wait a few moments Cassie, I'll get Dad okay?" Gabriel said before turning to Sam, "Stay with him." he instructed and Sam nodded before Gabriel vanished.

"Dean doesn't mean that, he's just emotional right now. We watched you die _again_ Cas, it wasn't easy for either of us." Sam tried to explain.

Cas was sitting down now, taking deep breaths; his vessel looked calm but his wings were shuddering like leaves in the wind.

"Cas are you okay?" Sam asked sitting down by his side, "Look at me." Sam said and Cas obliged. Cas looked broken: it was an expression Sam had gotten far too familiar with seeing on the faces of the two people he loved the most over the past few days.

"I am sorry Sam, I don't know if I will survive this fall after all." He whispered, "I was meant to wait, try to heal more but I just _need_ -" Cas shook his head and fell quiet.

"You need this, I understand, I've been there." Sam said, "So what is the process?"

"Gabriel had planned on taking me to the bunker, it is warded, and Gabriel could ward it further but now," Cas paused, "Dean doesn't understand."

"Next time he sees you he'll say sorry, or he'll act like nothing happened. You're more than welcome with us Cas. Dean will be fretting anyway if you go elsewhere."

"I might miss, I don't know how good at aiming I'll be," Cas said with a shrugged as they both looked up seeing Gabriel came back. He was singing:

" _If you fall into the ocean,_

 _if you fall into the sea,_

 _I swear I'll catch you, don't worry,_

 _If you fall off a cliff or if you fall in a ditch,_

 _I'll catch you, I promise!_

 _If you fall out of a truck or out of a car,_

 _I'll catch you, so you won't get a scar_."

Gabriel paused, "Well, I can't help much with the scar if you insist on falling right this moment, but I will do my best, brother."

Cas bowed his head and Sam looked from one Angel to the other. Sam noticed Gabriel's gaze had fallen to Castiel's wings. They had stopped shaking but feathers were falling, and as they landed on the grass below droplets of grace seemed to bleed from the places where they once grew.

"All the jokes Heaven has made over the years about Dean Winchester being the reason you fell, who'da thunk it would happen like this?" Gabriel quipped to Castiel, who only stared at him.

"Dean doesn't do feelings Cas, he wouldn't leave you. He carried your body to the Impala, I swear it almost killed him, but he wouldn't even let me help. I'm pretty sure he wouldn't have even left your body if it weren't for Gabriel making a ruckus in the kitchen and making us on guard for an intruder. If you can get to the bunker then do your best, if not, we'll come to you okay?"

"You don't have to do that, Sam."

"You won't have much of a choice, Cas. Dean's not going to let you go - not again."

"Have you forgiven me? I know Lucifer wasn't kind to you." Cas asked, "Dean got it too but you, it must have been difficult, my betrayal."

"I know why you did it Cas, the same reason you and I do half the crap we do. To save Dean." Sam said, "It was hard seeing him with your face or vessel, and I know it took us far too long-"

"You were busy." Cas interrupted quietly, his face emotionless again.

"That's no excuse," Sam argued. "And I'm sorry, Dean is too, we should have known. But as much as Dean denies it, it was a very Winchester-esque move. Self-sacrifice is the Winchester way." Sam paused, "Thank you, by the way, you shouldn't have but thank you."

Cas nodded and Sam was relieved to see he looked calmer, less emotionless.

"Sam, your brother should be with Balthazar now, go to him, he'll take you home. We'll be in touch," Gabriel told Sam, who nodded. He walked towards Castiel again, another quick hug and a muffled 'good luck' was all that was needed.

The three of them knew that Sam truly understood little of the magnitude of the event that was taking place but Sam walked away looking over his shoulder with a small smile and a nod to Cas and Gabriel before he turned from their sight.

Gabriel admired his little brother's sudden urge of spunk. He had sat by his bedside while Castiel healed from the battle with their elder brother Lucifer. He sat, spying on Castiel's dreams, slipping into his mind, wanting to understand why Castiel had said yes.

What he found were love, ache and loss. The visions that had ripped through his mind, Castiel's panic and terror at the prospect of leaving the bunker, the many images of Castiel hurting Dean or vice versa, some supplied by Naomi, others courtesy of the mark of Cain or some such other ailment.

He took care to travel back to Castiel's time as a human, noting that Cas had wanted to stay with the Winchesters but not questioned when he had been told to leave. Castiel automatically assumed he would be deemed a liability to the boys. Then with the blur of Dean and Sam's offhand comments even when Lucifer was in the vessel about how Castiel was not robust enough to do what they needed him for, the boys sighing and saying that they'd have to find another way. After everything he's been through, Gabriel had finally begun to understand.

As for the Winchesters, Gabriel admired that Sam's first priority when Castiel had regained control of the vessel was to instruct him to expel the other angel, despite knowing they needed Lucifer to fight Amara. Gabriel respected Sam for that. Castiel was Sam's priority, he didn't even consider for a second that this was a viable solution to their problems.


	5. Chapter 5

Sam walked towards the closed door leading away from Castiel and Balthazar, and back to Dean in the hallway. He halted in step and looked around. The big dirty brick building that held the door leading back to Heaven's hall was very familiar.

When he opened the door and stepped out, he was greeted by a Balthazar and his very annoyed looking brother.

Balthazar turned to him as soon as he had shut the door behind him. A smile fading from his lips. "I assume I'm taking you home because plans have kick-started early?" He asked in his polished accent.

Sam nodded, "Gabriel is with him now, probably singing again." he mused.

"What's going on?" Dean asked looking from Sam to Balthazar then to the trio of figures they just noticed approaching. It was Chuck followed by Gadreel and Hannah. Chuck acknowledged them with a nod as he passed, Balthazar opened the door for the three of them. Dean moved to follow them through the doorway, but Balthazar yanked him away.

"What's going on?" Balthazar repeated rounding on Dean but speaking in a hushed firm voice, "You were told to be patient with him. Instead, you went in there and broke his heart."

"I did not," Dean replied pulling a face.

"Look, I don't have time to explain, this is an all hands on deck situation, and you've done enough," Balthazar said finishing with a palm to both brothers foreheads sending them back to the Bunker.

"SON OF A BITCH" Dean yelled as they appeared back in the kitchen. He took off to Cas's room and swore at the sight.

"They took his body, why would they take it? Why couldn't he come here and get it?" Dean asked his stomach in a knot. "Maybe they lied? Maybe he's not free to go?"

"Why would they lie Dean?" Sam asked him having followed in a slow jog.

"What's going on up there, what were you talking about?" Dean asked turning to Sam, who sighed.

"Cas is falling."

"I know that Sam, but what were they all doing in there?" Dean pushed, he spoke quickly, the stress he was feeling clear in his voice.

"Cas is falling now. When you left he told Gabriel he was ready; Gabriel went to Chuck, and they sent me out. His wings were shaking Dean, feathers dropping like flies, he was bleeding grace." Sam explained uneasily. Now it was his turn to be patient but now with Dean. The situation was fraught already, and Dean's worry was inevitable, but the wrong words could make it worse.

Dean stared at him in shock, his mouth agape. "Why did you leave him? You should have told me when we were up there! Dammit Sam." Dean groaned sitting on the edge of the bed Cas's body had been lying in hours before.

"Maybe I shouldn't have yelled at him," Dean muttered playing with the photos.

"You think?" Sam mused vexed, and he sighed regretting his words quickly.

"Don't do that Sam; he said things too."

"You said things with the pure intention of hurting him, Dean. For the first time in so long, Cas was honest with us about his feelings, and that's what you give him in return. I told him you didn't mean it, though." Sam offered, quieting his voice trying to provide his brother with any sort of relief.

"So what's gonna happen now?" Dean asked after a few moments of silence.

"Cas told me he didn't know if he'd survive the fall, but Gabriel will do everything he can to save him I'm certain of it. Chuck'll probably come down if he was needed to." Sam explained, "Cas also said he had planned to come here," Sam motioned to the bunker, "and that Gabriel could ward it further for protection but that he could 'miss' so he might land anywhere."

"Is someone gonna let us know?" Dean asked his voice quiet and dejected.

"Gabriel said he would yes." Sam nodded, "I'm going to burn the hex bags just in case and then make some food, come down to the kitchen when you're ready."

"M' not hungry," Dean mumbled in reply.

"Fine, I'll prep then leave it in the fridge. You should, Dean, if Cas knew you weren't eating, he would worry, and he has enough to worry about don't you think?" Sam asked leaving the room on the way to fulfilling his words.

Dean debated staying in Cas's room for the night; he rifled through the pile of photographs selecting the few of just him and Cas. There were three shots of just the two of them Dean found. In the first, he was smirking at the camera, an arm wrapped comfortably around Cas's neck as he laughed. The second was the two of them staring at each other from either side of the table, Dean didn't remember why they were staring. Not that he often needed an excuse to look at his Angel. The third photograph was the photo of Cas smiling wide, looking directly at the camera. It was as if he was looking right at Dean. Then there was himself in the picture, he was beaming at Cas. He didn't remember why the photo was taken or why they both looked so gleefully happy in that moment of each others company, but it was his favorite.

'I'll give them back, I just need to have some part of you right now Cas," Dean mumbled tucking them into a pocket of his jeans.

For the second time in as many days, Dean knotted his hands together.

"Dear Castiel, hey buddy, I hope you're still angel enough to hear this. I am sorry for what I said Cas; I didn't mean it. You are my best friend, and I do love you, but not the other stuff that I said."

He swallowed down a lump in his throat.

"Sam told me you said you might not survive the fall? Cas I know you're a bit raw at the moment, but man I promise you I'll do everything I can to make you happy for the rest of our crappy human lives."

Dean sighed, he hadn't meant for that to sound remotely romantic and wasn't sure how Cas would read it if he were listening. He decided he didn't care. An angry or confused Cas was better than none at all. Dean sometimes allowed himself to think about how his life would be if his feelings were not only known but requited. Sometimes it worried him, he didn't know if he'd be able to give Cas what he needed, wasn't sure he'd ever be capable of being honest, or faithful to the man or whether he'd jump into bed with the first girl who looked his way.

Dean loves Castiel, but the man knew himself and his own shitty patterns too well to completely trust himself with Cas's heart.

Then there were the moments where he afforded himself the idea of them both being together, and being happy. He hadn't been in many relationships in his life, and the two closest things other than Louis, to a boyfriend he ever had, weren't great. The first was a Russian guy from Chicago named Dmitri, the other, his occasional reoccurring fling with Donnie, the bartender.

Dmitri had been older than him, wilder than him, (which was saying something) and more accepting of his secrets than anyone he had ever met. Dean had all but given up hunting at that time, he took the occasional hunt, but his Dad was barely acknowledging his phone calls, let alone his existence, who could blame him for considering giving up the game? He had considered cutting himself off from Dad altogether, phoning Sammy up, telling him he had come to his senses too. It was only a two-day drive from Chicago to California, not too bad. Not if it meant he could see Sam again. However, his brief shot of happy domesticity with his crazy ass but lovable boyfriend,-(seriously the guy once got arrested for reading a book on the roof of a library because the cops thought he was robbing a bank,)-fizzled the moment he had let his father- No. It didn't matter what John did. Not really. Dean had caved and went back to the only miserable life he had ever known.

Donnie, well Donnie not only kept Dean's favorite bar, made mean nachos, but the guy was hot. Plus he laughed at Deans jokes a little too hard. What's not to like? Donnie was Dean's reward to himself, anything from a particularly good hunt to Dean actually sitting through Sam's marathon researching sprees without ditching him to binge Game of Thrones had him going to the bar, to see the man.

Men, in general, were a reward Dean granted himself sometimes.

He remembered Cas, and what he was supposed to be doing before he allowed himself to remember too fondly his last trip to the bar and resented himself for detouring. He pushed tightly closed the part of his mind that exchanged Donnie's face for Cas's in the memory. That, well that was only for times of extreme need, and a source of alot of shame.

"There's a bee farm about a 4-hour drive from here you know? I'll take you there, we'll collect honey or whatever you do at a bee farm. We'll go to stupid flea markets, and we'll get you anything and everything you want to make this place your home too. Cas just please try to make it through, even if you don't want to survive, do it for me." Dean begged, back on track now. "I lost you, then got you back, and then I was too stubborn for my own good Cas. I screwed up, and I'm sorry. We'll talk this all through next time okay? Um, well Sam told me you'd want me to eat so I'm going to make some food. Remember let us know wherever you end up, and we'll come straight to you." he promised, "I need you okay? Love you Cas." He finished praying in barely a whisper biting his lower lip.

Sam stood back, out of Dean's sight listening, a small bittersweet smile on his lips and a sandwich on a plate in his hands. He took it back to the kitchen and put it in the fridge not wanting to interrupt.

Dean lounged back on the bed still sitting up; he looked around the room. It was so Cas, but now that calmed him, rather than hurt his soul. He focused on that feeling of clarity as he drifted to sleep.

It was two o'clock in the morning when he had woken in a jolt. His sleep had been deep, dreamless and peaceful for a few hour before he had woken. He had jumped out of bed thinking he heard the 'swoosh' of Angel wings, it turned out to be Sam shutting the door of the bathroom. His brother opted for moving the notoriously creaky door in a swift motion in the effort of quelling any sound to let Dean sleep.

Dean settled again, but after his first thoughts had been of concern for Sam or Cas, his mind was racing. After he reminded himself that there had been no response from Cas, Dean just couldn't find relief in his sleep. When he did settle, his mind would show him Cas dead and broken again, but not from Lucifer, this time, now he had two black wings burnt into the ground beneath him and the softest feathers Dean had ever felt now fell from the sky scorched and bloody.

"Cas?" He whispered through the darkness speaking quickly trying not to let his panic overtake his mind or his voice. "I'm worried about you now Bud; I have some things I need to say just in case you know? You remember around the time of the Levis? After you had taken on Sam's crap and you were walking around being a hippie and you tried to give everyone a bag of honey each? You remember the night before we took on Dick Roman? When you agreed to help? Well, that was the night I accepted the fact that I was still in love with you." Dean admitted wiping away tears he hadn't notice fall. "The first time I thought it was after you saved me from our own future. Did you know I lost you then too?" Dean asked hopelessly, then sighed shaking his head, he couldn't really blame Cas for any of that stuff."I know there is a chance you do not hear any of this, but if you do, just know it's real okay? When you become human and everything calms down, I'll tell you again, I promise. If you want to bring up the subject yourself, then please do, it's up to you. I don't even know if you like guys so it may be a trainwreck, who knows." he sighed, "I just hope you're alive Cas, I love you." He said his last words faltering as they left his mouth. He composed himself, before reiterating,"I love you."

He fell back to sleep after that.

He walked around the bunker with groggy steps allowing his still tired body to remain relaxed and off guard for the first time in a long time. He began the search for books once he reached the library, muttering prayers of questions, status reports and requests for updates from every half-decent Angel he could remember. He didn't even stop with the living ones and continued to the ones he knew to be dead. He had already spoken to two Angels he thought were dead, so he wasn't going to take chances.

He was surprised at who answered, although he shouldn't have been since they had seen him on the way to assist Castiel themselves.

"Dean Winchester" Gadreel stated, his accent flowing through his rough voice, 'How may I aid you?" He asked looking almost weary at the expression on Dean's face.

Dean was more surprised that someone answered at the sight of the Angel. ";Hey" Dean said staring at the man, ""Thank's for answering Gadreel" He finished eventually.

"I apologize, Mr. Winchester; I am sure I wasn't your first choice in prayer." Gadreel bowed his head at Dean, "However Father and Balthazar are busy, and I promised my brother always to come when you or Sam call."

"You promised that to Cas?" Dean asked leaning against the table.

"I did. My Brother is very forgiving. He had forgiven me before Father redeemed me, and he thanked me for my sacrifice in freeing him from prison. I still felt in debt to him, so I pledged myself to his service, and he insisted upon me helping the Winchesters instead."

"Cas is a Winchester, so you can still help him if he needs it, you have an excuse," Dean muttered, and Gadreel nodded.

"Although Heaven remains divided even with our Fathers return, we who still respect Castiel as an Angel and as our Brother are each in debt to you both for not abandoning him. Together you, your brother, your friends, and Castiel have saved the world many times.'"

"Thank-you." Dean said, "Chuck, uh, your Dad told me you were with Cas when he, Gabriel and Balthazar came to us, so thank you for staying with him too."

"It was my honor. I respect Castiel a great deal, as do I the two of you. I hope in given time you will be able to forgive me for my transgressions against you both."

"I can't even be angry about that anymore Gadreel; I just need to know how Cas is."

"Castiel has fallen." Gadreel confirmed, "We have had no word from either him nor Gabriel since."

"Gabriel is with him?" Dean pressed Gadreel for clarification, "What's been happening up there since we left? Sam said he was falling then and there."

"Yes, Gabriel is with him," Gadreel replied, "There were some complications with the fall," Gadreel admitted but continued speaking at the sight of Dean's disquieted expression. "His grace was holding in a little tighter than expected given it was his decision, and his grace wasn't fully formed or fully healed inside him. Alas, he is now on Earth somewhere with Gabriel, who is caring for him. If he doesn't make contact soon, Father will track him, but Gabriel offered himself for this job, Father wishes to let him prove himself."

"Well, can you let us know as soon as you know anything, please? We want to go to him, wherever he landed or fell, whatever.

Gabriel bowed his head, "Gabriel told me to mention that he stocked the fridge." Gadreel said before leaving with a small smile on his lips at the surprised look on Dean's face.

Sam presented Dean with a plate of food in exchange for the leather bound book he was reading.

"Did you get any sleep last night?" Sam asked watching him blink several times taking in the sight of the breakfast food in front of him. Scrambled eggs, bacon, sausages.

"Yes," he grunted, "I did actually, then I couldn't go back to sleep, so I got up and started praying." Dean shrugged cutting up a sausage. "Apparently there were 'complications' with Cas's fall."

"What happened?"

"His Grace didn't want to let go." Dean said still mulling the topic himself, "That's what Gadreel said."

"Gadreel?" Sam asked lowering the forkful of food he had, "You prayed to Gadreel?"

"Yeah," Dean shrugged, "He turned out okay, in the end, Sam, he saved Cas, he-"

"Killed Kevin."

"I know that Sam." Dean spat at his brother angrily, "but you heard Chuck! He was with Cas while they were all down here, Gadreel went in while we were leaving. Apparently he pledged himself to us as a thank-you to the guy."

"Did you pray for the woman too? The one he started hanging around not long after he screwed the reaper? Hannah?"

"Sam, I know Gadreel isn't our favorite person but he's Castiel's friend and his brother. This whole thing is a big deal to me okay? I would like to know if Cas survives or not."

"You're right I'm sorry. If he was the only one who answered, then I'm not going to begrudge you that."

"You remember the witch and Charlie?" Dean asked, and Sam nodded confused at the apparent change of topic, "You know how that bitch, stabbed and killed Cas?" Dean asked bitterly, "I never told you, but Charlie died." Dean explained sadly, "Gadreel saved them both."

"Oh." Sam stared at him in shock, "You didn't mention any of that, why?"

"I didn't want to try to make it out like what I did wasn't wrong or whatever." Dean had shrugged before he changed the subject.

"When you're finished eating pack a new duffel in case we have to leave in a hurry," Dean told him stabbing at his eggs before turning back to the book. He looked back up his brother curiously, "What's up with all the food anyway?"

"I spent all last night worrying about Cas, so I decided that now on, rather than worry, we should plan the stuff we'll do once he's human!" Sam spoke, a grin larger than one he usually wore plastered to his face.

"If he makes it."

"Cause I was thinking," Sam said ignoring Dean's words, "we'll need to start eating properly, for his sake, he's not used to our diets. Well, it's been awhile since I cooked proper food, I had to practice!"

Dean looked around at the plates of food. "What else?"

"I have thought maybe we could all do with a few months off," Sam announced watching as Dean looked slightly uninterested in what he was saying. "We can get Cas settled into his new life as a human; we can take him shopping, work on his people skills, that kind of thing." Sam paused chewing thoughtfully, he met Deans gaze. "You guys can work on your relationship."

Dean choked on a bite of egg. "Our what?" He spluttered out in shock.

"Dean, you are planning on telling him right?" Sam asked looked at Dean as if he was crazy.

Dean shrugged, "It's been a long time already Sam, I've lost quite a few chances already. I think we should deal with one thing at a time before I go admitting things to him and risking our friendship."

Sam shrugged, "I'm not gonna interfere, you need to tell him in your own time, but I do think you should tell him."

"Yeah." Dean nodded, and Sam stood up, clapped his shoulder and left the room, "Pack Sammy!" he yelled after him.

Dean finished the chapter on Angel lore and was about to start on an even bigger, dirtier leather bound book when there was a knock on the door. He strolled, leaving the library and beginning up the stairs gun in hands. He opened the door and stepped out his gun aimed and ready.

"God dammit Gadreel, what are you doing?" Dean barked stashing his gun away again and waving Sam down as he began up the steps blade in hand.

"I apologize, I was instructed to expose you both too as little grace as possible, I walked from a mile down the road." He said looking over his shoulder. "I have news on Castiel."

"What news?" Dean asked eagerly, leading the Angel inside.

"I'm not staying, I just have to give you this address, this is where Castiel and Gabriel are currently. I cannot transport you there as it would expose you to Angelic Grace so you'll have to drive. Castiel is alive, he is in a bad way, but that was expected given the process of falling."

"Why can't we be exposed to grace?" Sam asked looking at the man skeptically.

"Castiel's wound is affected by it. Gabriel is healing him often 5 times an hour at the moment, his wound is sucking in more grace than it is using to heal the wounds. It is a problem, but at the moment minimizing it the priority."

"Wound?" Dean asked worried of the answer.

"You'll understand when you see him. Castiel is unconscious, but Father has faith he will survive."

"Wait, 'has faith he will survive?' Is it that serious?" Sam asked looking from Gadreel to Dean, who was walking away from the two of them. "Dean, where are you going?'

Dean looked down at the note in his hand as he walked down the stairs, "Lincoln, Nebraska" he replied. "Be in the car in 5 minutes or I'm leaving without you."

Sam turned to Gadreel, who looked solemn. "Thanks for the help." he managed to get out, and Gadreel ducked his head in a small bow as he departed back to wherever he arrived.

Sam closed and locked the door, on the way to his own bedroom. He re-packed his duffel (something he had failed to do before despite Dean's instructions) and by the time he made it to the Impala Dean was honking the horn impatiently.

"I'm here, sorry."

"I told you to pack a bag for a reason you know Sam?" Dean muttered to his brother angrily as they left the garage of the Bunker.

"This phone number on the other side must be Gabe's," Sam stated after several minutes of silent heavy-footed driving.

"Wait, did you just call him, Gabe?"

"What?" Sam asked looking at his brother in confusion.

"Dude his name is Gabriel, don't call him Gabe, it's just weird." Dean shook his head, "You got directions to the hotel Cas is at?"

"His name's Castiel Dean, don't call him Cas it's just weird." Sam snarked back with a small smirk at his brother. "I've got the directions on my phone, once we get to Lincoln I'll put them in."

Dean nodded, and Sam considered the situation and if this moment was one to raise a particular issue.

"Dean," Sam voiced slowly, "I've been thinking, and researching actually, I think Cas is depressed."

"We're all sad Sammy." Dean shrugged it off, and Sam understood the tone Dean spoke in and the way Dean was glaring out the window at the road as a hint to drop the subject and try again at a later date.

They tried to phone Gabriel's number several times during the drive and between Dean's anger and Sam's attempt to keep his driving somewhere comparative to the state's speed limits, they were surprised to find Gabriel in a worse state than themselves when he opened the door.

The Arch Angel wore casual clothes, much like what they were more acquainted with him wearing, and he certainly looked relieved to see them, despite his erratic state.

"Winchester," he said the moment they opened the door, "You, come here" he waggled his finger over his shoulder as he turned his back to them walking through a doorway.

"Which one?" Sam asked as he and Dean both followed him shutting the door behind them.

"The short one." was all Gabriel called out already entering the opposite doorway.

Dean frowned and rolled his eyes, but he and Sam followed the Angel. They entered the bedroom and found Castiel lying on a bloody red bed unconscious.

"What the hell did you do to him?" Dean cried storming towards Castiel's bedside, "Why is there so much blood?" Dean touched it gingerly, "Why is it fresh?"

"There's a wound on his back from the fall," Gabriel explained looking tired. "Look I was just about to heal him again, I've been doing it three or four times an hour trying to control the blood loss, but his heart rate was going crazy. I even dream walked to try to make him calm down, and he's only fighting it more now, every time I try to heal him."

"Fighting what?"

"Okay, the full story." Gabriel started, speaking quickly, "Upstairs, when he fell because he wasn't healed properly in any sense of the word the process of falling was more of a tug of war. Castiel practically tore his own wings out." Gabriel touched the bed cleaning it motioning for Dean to take a seat by Castiel and he and Sam went to an armchair each.

"It wasn't just losing his grace, it was more like tearing it from his vessel with force. He pulled in one direction while his Grace pulled the other. His current state is the result."

"He's been out cold since he fell, we are trying to minimize the grace Cas is exposed to at the moment, I took the risk of zapping him here," he motioned around the hotel suite, "so we'd have privacy and shelter. Cas's wound will eventually heal until then I'll be here to treat him whenever I am needed. Healing by grace will actually take longer than say, getting surgery and being stitched up, but it's too hard to explain this wound to a hospital." Gabriel shrugged standing up and taking a seat the other side of Castiel on the bed.

"Right," Dean nodded, before turning to face him again. "No, wait why would it take longer?"

"It's a grace inflicted wound, and it's sucking in parts of the grace used to heal it and using it to repair the Angel-y bits that he doesn't want anymore. Cas will always be a little bit angel, even if he can't do anything. The wound will keep opening for a while, but as time passes it will be healed completely." Gabriel replied patiently, "He's fighting that part. He must know the different feelings between Angels and Humans now, and he's got it crystal clear in his mind what he wants, and is fighting the Grace because he knows it will keep some part of him Angelic, that's not what he wants."

"What do you want us to do?" Sam asked watching as Gabriel stared down at Cas.

"I want Deano here to stay with him, you too actually. Take turns in between doing all your weird human crap. I think it will help him. Maybe it will help calm him down so he keeps sleeping or soothe him enough so he doesn't panic when he wakes up." the Angel explained, "You guys are friends if your presence was sufficient to spur him into falling then hopefully you can help him heal from it."

"You're blaming me?" Dean asked angrily rounding up to Gabriel, who only stared at him.

"Well yeah kinda." Gabriel looked over at Sam as if to say 'what?'

"Dean you literally chose the worse possible thing to say to a guy who obviously has no sense of self-worth and who has proven time and time again he isn't afraid to sacrifice himself for you. I know you are incredibly forgiving to him, and I know you've been through so much together. I know you were angry, but you are the reason he decided at that particular moment to fall."

"So any of the shit that happens is my fault." Dean groans standing up from the bed in a huff.

"No, it was his choice to fall. This is his decision, don't take away from that." Gabriel said sitting beside his brother where Dean had been just before. "Dean I just want you so sooth him while I heal him, I'm worried about my little brother, surely you can relate?" Gabriel looked at him, his eyes pleading and sincere.

"You underestimate how much you mean to him, Dean. You have to understand that no matter how hard it is for you to grasp in that mud monkey head of yours. As much as you think your and your brother's love is crystal clear? It's not. As much as it angers you that Cassie had no care for his own safety when he said Yes to Luci, that he had no thought of your feelings when he did that, that's the simple truth. That is what happened. Simple as that. No amount of you being heartbroken will change it."

"Did you tell him?" Dean asked angrily turning on Sam.

"No! Of course not!" Sam declared a look of surprise on his face at Deans angry questions.

"Bullshit!" Dean yelled, "I tell you a secret, I trust you with something, and you tell someone, not just someone but him! You tell the trickster I have feelings for-"

"DEAN!" Sam shouted, "I didn't say anything!"

They both turned back to Gabriel, who was staring at Dean with wide eyes.

"Wait, you have feelings for who exactly?"

"Don't worry about it," Dean sighed and began pacing again.

"It's not me is it? Because no offense but your brother is more my type." Gabriel said earning a look from both brothers, he merely winked at Sam.

Gabriel stared at Dean for a few moments before clapping his hands together. "Well! That almost explains your behavior! I have a few rules about dating my little Bro-" Gabriel had announced before their attention was dejected by a pained moan from the still unconscious Castiel.

They all three turned to him, he just stirred by the activity. Dean sat on the bed again and took in the sight of Castiel.

"Okay, just stay for him for a moment, just while I do this." Gabriel took a deep breath. "Don't hate me for this Dean, I have to do it, it's all I can do." He explained and Dean was suddenly afraid of what was to come.

"It's a painful process, angelic wounds hurt even for fallen angels," Gabriel explained to the brothers. "I have a silencing spell around this particular room just to divert unwanted attention."

"Does he make a lot of noise?" Sam asked his voice a mixture of humor and confusion. They were often unsure how to read into the Tricksters words.

"Just wait till he wakes up," Gabriel replied darkly, and a shiver ran through the brothers spines as they each turned back to Cas to prepare for the coming event.

"If you wanted to hold his hand or anything while I do this..." Gabriel offered Dean quietly rolling up the sleeves of his jacket.

Dean glared at him, "I'm fine thanks." Dean gritted out through his teeth angrily.

"That wasn't a joke genius. I don't know how else to try to prepare you for what I'm about to have to do to him."

Neither brother replied so Gabriel began.

"We'll need to roll him onto his stomach," Gabriel informed them, "It'll be easier to heal everything that way." Gabriel mulled it over in his head, "If we take off his shirt, and put a new one on it won't make me feel so disgusting every time I cleanse him." Gabriel said with a cringe.

He unbuttoned Castiel's shirt leaving it on him for now before Sam interjected.

"You're an archangel and can't you just zap him out of his clothes?" Sam asked incredulously.

The Angel sighed, "I just told you about the efforts to minimalize his grace exposure. Pay attention for your own sakes." Gabriel said not looking either of them in the eyes, "Help me turn him over, I just want to cause as little pain as I can, my presence is harmful enough, Dean being here might not help either but I think he'll be different."

"What?" Dean asked in shock, "You just said you wanted me to be here!"

"That handprint on your shoulder, you never asked him about it?" Gabriel asked and Dean shook his head.

Gabriel made a comically wide-eyed expression. "Rightio." He said popping the O.'

They moved his body over, Gabriel turning him, Sam and Dean supporting the weight of him to ease the pain of landing. Once he was positioned appropriately, they waited to see if he would stir.

"Sam could you get me a large bowl of water and a sponge from the kitchen please," Gabriel asked politely breaking the silence as the boys stared at the blood soaked fabric clinging to Castiel's back.

Even Gabriel looked pained seeing the state of his back and Dean finally began to understand.

The black shirt was sticking to all of Castiel's back from the wet sticky blood, but the blood itself was flowing from two wounds on the former Angels back.

"I'll heal him a bit then we'll take off his shirt, and I can tidy everything up. I am glad you two are here, I needed a couple of assistant's."

Dean glared.

"I would've called Angels but this is private to Cas, to any Angel their wings are a big deal but broken wings or this-" Gabriel stopped talking, "I didn't want to bring in people who Cas didn't trust and love."

Sam returned with the bowl warm water, a sponge and some bottled water in his hands.

"Let's begin shall we?" Gabriel asked his hazel eyes meeting Dean's momentarily before raising his hand in the middle of Castiel's back and letting a warm white glow shine from it.

The instant the light reached Castiel's skin, he screamed. His body shook, he thrashed but Gabriel kept his hand steady, carefully gliding it over the wounds on his brothers back. Sam was lost for ways to assist, giving up in vain trying to still the thrashing legs. Instead, just he stood back.

It took still took longer than Dean expected. It seemed to take hours when in reality it took less than a minute. Cas's body was shaking, almost seizure like now but rather than screams and cries, the sounds had become deeply pained broken moans.

Dean sat beside him on the bed, his hand covering one of Cas's which was now only clinging to the sheets, almost trying to drag himself away.

Then Gabriel stopped. He touched his shoulder and the bed erasing all the blood from his clothes and sheets again.

Dean didn't move, just remained frozen holding Cas's hand within his.

"Sam, the bowl please."

"Is he awake?"

"It's a complex state. He's not in a coma exactly, I don't know whether he is awake or not when I heal him. He simply might not have enough energy to open his eyes."

"Is there anything we can do?" Sam asked this situation was so beyond the Winchesters, neither of them knows any real way to help him.

"Dad said that if he doesn't wake up soon, even for a few minutes and is verbal then, he'll come down and wake him himself." Gabriel said, "Sam, bowl please."

Sam finally obliged, passing over the down and helping him by laying the sponges out.

"We're going to have to do our best to soak the wound," Gabriel said watching the droplets of blood already soaking through his clothing again.

Dean tried to help Gabriel with the sponges and pulling the fabric back when appropriate, but the first part of the wound they exposed had him backing away in shock. He held his arms around his stomach trying to suppress the sudden urge to vomit. He hadn't let himself really look at the injury until he had uncovered in himself.

Dean sat on the ground in the corner of the room watching as Sam and Gabriel sponged Cas's back, soaking the fabric before slowly peeling it back to reveal the open wound.

Dean pulled himself together and stood up, he crossed the room and stood between Sam and Gabriel. As they exposed more and more of the wound, Dean was torn between crying and vomiting.

He's seen a lot of blood in his life, a lot of injuries, but this was different. Just like finding Charlies body had been. Dean had been in pure shock, almost denial, Sam had nearly puked as soon as they opened the door. It's all different when it's someone who you love dearly, and there is nothing you can do.

They had sliced the back of the shirt to expose the skin, and they pulled the two pieces of clothing from his body.

"Dean?" Sam asked, and Dean flicked out of his reverie.

"What?"

"I asked if you could get him a shirt, we'll leave it off for now and if he wakes up, Gabriel said he might not want anyone to see the wounds, so he'll need a shirt."

Dean left the room without a word, he allowed himself a moment of deep breaths before he upended his own duffle onto one of the beds. He looked through his own clothing mindlessly. He considered one of his favorites, his ghost buster shirt but didn't want to be creepy and enjoy Cas wearing his clothes and found one at random instead. A faded gray Duran-Duran shirt.

When he entered the room again, they had finished sponging his back and Gabriel was healing him again. Though the bright light radiating from Gabriels hand, Dean could see two wounds starting above the hips, traveling up the spine and separating at the shoulder blades running up and ending near the armpits on either side. They didn't look too bad now, but Dean suspected they were before the first bout of healing.

Gabriel and Sam looked up at him as he entered the room.

"Why was he lying on his back? When his back is like this?" Dean asked concerned.

"Because I couldn't make him calm down and keep still at the same time. Not without doing things I don't want to do to Castiel." Gabriel replied the glow fading as he spoke to Dean.

"What things?"

"Forcing him, binding him, strapping him down." Gabriel listed sounding tired, "Anything to stop him from doing more harm to himself. But he calmed while he was laid on the bed like that, he looked almost comfortable."

Sam clapped his brother on the shoulder, "Why don't you wait out there?"

"I don't want to." Dean walked past Sam and took his seat on Cas's bed again, he looked at Sam to Gabriel to the wall. The floor anywhere but Cas or his back. If only Sam hadn't noticed.

"You can't even look at him."

"It's just a lot to take in okay! I don't like it! I've already watched him die once in the past few days I don't want to see him be practically tortured."

"Then wait outside."

"I wouldn't wait outside if he was awake why should I when he's not. If Gabriel's right, and this is my fault, then I need to be here."

"Dean you nearly-"

"I'm staying. Before you start Sam, it's not about that okay? If I hadn't told you, you wouldn't be saying this stuff."

"Dean it wasn't really a surprise okay? Hell Gabriel was barely shocked."

"I'm pretty sure half of Heaven thinks you two spend all your time doing unholy things to each other in between apocalypse and Cas's rebellions." Gabe mused with a wink to Dean who stared at him nonplussed. "If you're happy to stay with him while I leave that would be helpful."

"Where are you going?" Dean asked surprised.

"I've got to nip upstairs to give Dad an update, I'll have my ears on though Deano, don't worry. You so much as think my name and here I'll be."

"We'll be right Gabe." Sam assured him.

"What if he needs you?"

"Dean, I'm healing him every 15 minutes, I will be back in 15 minutes to heal him again."

"Oh, okay then."

"Am I allowed to stay with him, you said the handprint-"

"It should be all right, let me have a look at it once we're finished here." Gabriel murmured his hand going to work over Cas's back again. This time, Cas's pain was expressed through little keening moans.

Dean rubbed parts of his arms in a way he hoped was reassuring and stayed with him after Gabriel had announced he was finished.

Gabriel had inspected the handprint on Dean's shoulder carefully before smirking and looking over at his unconscious brother and saying "Oh Cassie."


End file.
